Sorrow

"I’m not as okay as I like to say 
and this pain is more than they know, 
more than I show."

- Amber Hunter, This Pain 


She was funny, carefree, and wonderful in many ways. I remember walking away from her often wearing a big smile. Sure she wasn't my mom or dad, or a sibling or a best friend, but she still meant a lot to me. 

This week my favorite teacher passed away. She will be thoroughly missed.

However, this post is not a dedication to her. It is a reflection of my own heart. 

As a result of this, old worries have infected me, old sinful habits have been revisited, and pain has been bottled up. I've taken some comfort from listening to music, but it can only distract me for so long. I've been withdrawing myself from family, friends, and classmates, and wasting time in my room for many hours at a time without leaving. I didn't think for a while to call upon the Lord for help. 

After a big fall, I finally did it. I asked God for help. 

I can't tell you the difference it made in my heart. It was a strange but tender sweetness that I have never felt before.

In silent suffering, mourning, stress, and anxiety, that's where God's mercy and love can be felt the strongest. At first, especially when talking about the saints and stuff, I didn't think that their way of suffering would in any way bring me personally closer to Christ. I didn't understand why the joyful can, at times, feel more disconnected to God's sweetness than the ones who weren't. Oh, God is near at all times, people! But sorrow brings forth such a beautiful longing in us that allows us to fully experience God's peace, care, comfort, and unending love. I never thought I would get to feel that. I know that someday it'll happen to me again, maybe perhaps excruciation, but at least I can look forward to the way my spirit feels now, only better. 

Thanks, God. You really are good.

If someone you know is grieving, here is another article that you may find helpful:, so don't worry, we're in this together. 

Change Changing Things

Man, things are rapidly progressing in my life right now. When I was 16, I thought starting a college class was tough enough. When I was 17 I thought driving was tough enough. When I was 18 (which, I still am) I thought being an official college student was tough enough. I also thought starting a job was tough enough. And now I'm almost 19 and I am about to move out and be on my own in a week.

I dunno how tough that will be, but I know how it feels now.

I've always lived in a big family, was home-schooled, and grew up spending most of my days with my brothers. Now there are 2 new members in our family, one that's 2 years old and one that's 1. I've been gone a whole lot this semester, usually everyday except Sunday. I know that it's hard to say goodbye to my little siblings even though I know I'll be home later. But soon, I'll be away for a long time, and they won't see me coming home in the evenings anymore. I'm used to being away a lot, but not gone.

Oh, I'll visit home on weekends, and be in communication, but still, I need guidance, and what better thing to do than to turn to God in all of this?

It did bring some comfort to know that tears,  homesickness, and "wanting my mommy" were perfectly normal for the first few weeks of moving out, so at least I know that in advance. It's almost scary even, but I do know that it's time for me to leave.

All this change is overwhelming, but it's also exciting, and I can't wait for it to happen. All these emotions are making me a bit crazy, but I know God has been keeping me strong through all of it.

So if you are like me right now and are scared, stressed, worried, excited, happy, and/or sad to be doing something life-changing, I'm with you there. But God understands it all. Don't hesitate to give Him a call. He's all you'll need no matter what happens. :)

Amidst the Chaos: An Alternative to Complaining

WHHHHHY MEEEEEEEE?????????

Man, complaining is so popular, isn't it? Everyone's been doing it. Even I have been keeping up with my daily whininess lately, and you know me, gotta be up with trends. It's so easy to do, you know? When stress and life happens all you have to do is pout, grumble, cry, think about how much your life sucks (when it probably really doesn't), and throw a big pity party! What fun! :D

I hate it, though. Complaining is bad for you. I need to stop. You do, too. After all, I don't wanna be like everyone else, and shouldn't want that either.

So I am so chaotically busy right now (just before the holidays, too. At least all this work will make the holidays sweeter) with what seems to be an endless amount of work (who DOESN'T have this?). And here I am blogging!!! Well, I kinda need to right now because I need a better way to vent my frustrations and struggles. No I am not going to be making this a journal post and talk about everything that's been going on, I mean, who wants to read that anyway? We've all got our own problems to deal with!

I know that praying always helps. God is always like, "Well sure I'll help you! Why didn't you say so sooner?" 

Music helps, especially worship music. KPop is fun to listen to though, it's like having a party in my ears while my eyes and hands are working! 

Two words: Hot tea. 

Taking things one at a time!

Getting away from your work helps also. Go outside and get fresh air!!!!

And guess what else???

NOT COMPLAINING MAKES IT WAY BETTER!!!

I am talking to me here, but I know everyone has moments where they need to relax, too.

Now I need to get back to work. I have several assignments due next week, plans to work out, places to go, things to do, and everything else in between! Thanks God for not letting my head (or mouth) explode!!!