Sorrow

"I’m not as okay as I like to say 
and this pain is more than they know, 
more than I show."

- Amber Hunter, This Pain 


She was funny, carefree, and wonderful in many ways. I remember walking away from her often wearing a big smile. Sure she wasn't my mom or dad, or a sibling or a best friend, but she still meant a lot to me. 

This week my favorite teacher passed away. She will be thoroughly missed.

However, this post is not a dedication to her. It is a reflection of my own heart. 

As a result of this, old worries have infected me, old sinful habits have been revisited, and pain has been bottled up. I've taken some comfort from listening to music, but it can only distract me for so long. I've been withdrawing myself from family, friends, and classmates, and wasting time in my room for many hours at a time without leaving. I didn't think for a while to call upon the Lord for help. 

After a big fall, I finally did it. I asked God for help. 

I can't tell you the difference it made in my heart. It was a strange but tender sweetness that I have never felt before.

In silent suffering, mourning, stress, and anxiety, that's where God's mercy and love can be felt the strongest. At first, especially when talking about the saints and stuff, I didn't think that their way of suffering would in any way bring me personally closer to Christ. I didn't understand why the joyful can, at times, feel more disconnected to God's sweetness than the ones who weren't. Oh, God is near at all times, people! But sorrow brings forth such a beautiful longing in us that allows us to fully experience God's peace, care, comfort, and unending love. I never thought I would get to feel that. I know that someday it'll happen to me again, maybe perhaps excruciation, but at least I can look forward to the way my spirit feels now, only better. 

Thanks, God. You really are good.

If someone you know is grieving, here is another article that you may find helpful:, so don't worry, we're in this together.